There will be no consolation prize; this time the bone is broken clean...

Today my beautiful stepson should be celebrating his third birthday. I have this picture in my head of balloons, inflatable bouncy toys, pinatas, cake, and ice cream. Instead, I can only pray that our sweet angel baby is smiling down upon his sisters.

I will never forget the day that I learned Tristan had passed away. I had only recently become aware of my first pregnancy. I broke. I just broke down. I was terrified of what this news would do to my husband. I feared the worst. I thought at that moment that I would never see Jordan again, and I would be alone with our child.

That of course, did not happen, but it never made accepting Tristan's death any easier.

There has not been one single day that I have not thought about the "what ifs." What if he had been here with us? What if we had tried harder to make that happen. I have said over and over again that if he were still here, I would fight for him to be with us every second. I can picture him playing with toys in the living room, sharing with Sadie. I can see him kissing baby Emmaline on her forehead. I can see walking in the park holding his tiny hand. I can see the big brother constantly looking after his two little sisters.

God, how I wish I could go back... I wish I could have him here. I wish I had fought for him when it mattered. Instead I was too concerned about what was going on in my own life and left him in a foreign, barren wasteland that killed him. He could have been part of a family that loved him. He could have had a doting mother and two sisters to care for.

Instead he died in Iceland...

Until the day comes that I am given a TRUE explanation as to the cause of his death, I will question. Was it the environment he was in? Was it the people caring for him? Was he cold, scared, or hurt? What was wrong with him?

Nothing I can ever say or do will ever bring him back, and every day I will think about my regret and what I should have done...

WE LOVE YOU!

Tristan Alexander Stepp

June 5, 2006 - April 30, 2007

Sadie and Sushi...

Sushi the cat, that is. Check out this video...

I've got a friend who loves me; I've got a house; I've got a car...

Things are beginning to even out a bit so that I have been able to sleep some. Every day is different, but as a whole, things are becoming less stressful.

We had a busy day yesterday. I had to go to Chattanooga to buy diapers at Babies r Us. I also ended up spending an extra $40 on a new bra that I did not want to spend due to an embarrassing leaking incident. After that I had to take Emmaline to see the doctor because she has a rash that was spreading, and I was becoming concerned about. It turns out she has a severe case of Eczema and hypersensitive skin like Sadie had.

Our big plans for the evening were to go and visit an old friend of mine that I used to go to church with and haven't seen in a long time. She has 4 kids that are 18, 16, 14, and 12. Of course, being teenagers, only her 12 year old son was home, but we still had a great time! I was thrilled to be able to catch up and have adult conversation, and she and her son both LOVED my kids. We ate, played, looked at photos, let Sadie play with a kitty and just were able to unwind a bit.

Unfortunately, we had such a good time that we got home really late and Miss Sadie gave me a run for my money when it was time to go to bed. Emmaline slept remarkably well, though. I was surprised!

Today was a bit of a lazy day. I did have to go to Wal-Mart to collect the various skin care products that would be safe for Baby Emmaline. When we left the house, I decided to stop by the Garden Center first to see my parents. My mom immediately took Sadie and let her play in the fountains. She was soaking wet! The spare outfit that I had for her in the diaper bag was just a tshirt and jeans. It was SO HOT outside that my mom would not let me put the jeans on her, and she was just in a shirt and her diaper. So, completely humiliated, I took my child to Wal-Mart just as she was. I felt like such white trash! From now on, I will pack a better bag so this NEVER happens again!

In the meantime, we are just staying focused and positive and adjusting to being here without Jordan. It really helps that I have been in contact with some long lost friends. Somehow everything is falling into place...