There will be no consolation prize; this time the bone is broken clean...

Today my beautiful stepson should be celebrating his third birthday. I have this picture in my head of balloons, inflatable bouncy toys, pinatas, cake, and ice cream. Instead, I can only pray that our sweet angel baby is smiling down upon his sisters.

I will never forget the day that I learned Tristan had passed away. I had only recently become aware of my first pregnancy. I broke. I just broke down. I was terrified of what this news would do to my husband. I feared the worst. I thought at that moment that I would never see Jordan again, and I would be alone with our child.

That of course, did not happen, but it never made accepting Tristan's death any easier.

There has not been one single day that I have not thought about the "what ifs." What if he had been here with us? What if we had tried harder to make that happen. I have said over and over again that if he were still here, I would fight for him to be with us every second. I can picture him playing with toys in the living room, sharing with Sadie. I can see him kissing baby Emmaline on her forehead. I can see walking in the park holding his tiny hand. I can see the big brother constantly looking after his two little sisters.

God, how I wish I could go back... I wish I could have him here. I wish I had fought for him when it mattered. Instead I was too concerned about what was going on in my own life and left him in a foreign, barren wasteland that killed him. He could have been part of a family that loved him. He could have had a doting mother and two sisters to care for.

Instead he died in Iceland...

Until the day comes that I am given a TRUE explanation as to the cause of his death, I will question. Was it the environment he was in? Was it the people caring for him? Was he cold, scared, or hurt? What was wrong with him?

Nothing I can ever say or do will ever bring him back, and every day I will think about my regret and what I should have done...

WE LOVE YOU!

Tristan Alexander Stepp

June 5, 2006 - April 30, 2007