There will be no consolation prize; this time the bone is broken clean...

Today my beautiful stepson should be celebrating his third birthday. I have this picture in my head of balloons, inflatable bouncy toys, pinatas, cake, and ice cream. Instead, I can only pray that our sweet angel baby is smiling down upon his sisters.

I will never forget the day that I learned Tristan had passed away. I had only recently become aware of my first pregnancy. I broke. I just broke down. I was terrified of what this news would do to my husband. I feared the worst. I thought at that moment that I would never see Jordan again, and I would be alone with our child.

That of course, did not happen, but it never made accepting Tristan's death any easier.

There has not been one single day that I have not thought about the "what ifs." What if he had been here with us? What if we had tried harder to make that happen. I have said over and over again that if he were still here, I would fight for him to be with us every second. I can picture him playing with toys in the living room, sharing with Sadie. I can see him kissing baby Emmaline on her forehead. I can see walking in the park holding his tiny hand. I can see the big brother constantly looking after his two little sisters.

God, how I wish I could go back... I wish I could have him here. I wish I had fought for him when it mattered. Instead I was too concerned about what was going on in my own life and left him in a foreign, barren wasteland that killed him. He could have been part of a family that loved him. He could have had a doting mother and two sisters to care for.

Instead he died in Iceland...

Until the day comes that I am given a TRUE explanation as to the cause of his death, I will question. Was it the environment he was in? Was it the people caring for him? Was he cold, scared, or hurt? What was wrong with him?

Nothing I can ever say or do will ever bring him back, and every day I will think about my regret and what I should have done...

WE LOVE YOU!

Tristan Alexander Stepp

June 5, 2006 - April 30, 2007

Sadie and Sushi...

Sushi the cat, that is. Check out this video...

I've got a friend who loves me; I've got a house; I've got a car...

Things are beginning to even out a bit so that I have been able to sleep some. Every day is different, but as a whole, things are becoming less stressful.

We had a busy day yesterday. I had to go to Chattanooga to buy diapers at Babies r Us. I also ended up spending an extra $40 on a new bra that I did not want to spend due to an embarrassing leaking incident. After that I had to take Emmaline to see the doctor because she has a rash that was spreading, and I was becoming concerned about. It turns out she has a severe case of Eczema and hypersensitive skin like Sadie had.

Our big plans for the evening were to go and visit an old friend of mine that I used to go to church with and haven't seen in a long time. She has 4 kids that are 18, 16, 14, and 12. Of course, being teenagers, only her 12 year old son was home, but we still had a great time! I was thrilled to be able to catch up and have adult conversation, and she and her son both LOVED my kids. We ate, played, looked at photos, let Sadie play with a kitty and just were able to unwind a bit.

Unfortunately, we had such a good time that we got home really late and Miss Sadie gave me a run for my money when it was time to go to bed. Emmaline slept remarkably well, though. I was surprised!

Today was a bit of a lazy day. I did have to go to Wal-Mart to collect the various skin care products that would be safe for Baby Emmaline. When we left the house, I decided to stop by the Garden Center first to see my parents. My mom immediately took Sadie and let her play in the fountains. She was soaking wet! The spare outfit that I had for her in the diaper bag was just a tshirt and jeans. It was SO HOT outside that my mom would not let me put the jeans on her, and she was just in a shirt and her diaper. So, completely humiliated, I took my child to Wal-Mart just as she was. I felt like such white trash! From now on, I will pack a better bag so this NEVER happens again!

In the meantime, we are just staying focused and positive and adjusting to being here without Jordan. It really helps that I have been in contact with some long lost friends. Somehow everything is falling into place...

WTF... Really?

So, I have had some really weird shit happen last night and today. Do I have some sort of bullseye somewhere on my body that says, "If you are a crazy ass bitch that likes the drama, some after me."?

Let me see if I can condense this...

I was on Jordan's facebook last night. Now, I'm not prowling. He asked me to check it and his myspace from time to time and forward any messages on there to his email, or just let his "friends" know that he is deployed. He had a message in his inbox from a lady that I didn't know, and was pretty certain he didn't know, either. She was asking him, "How does your wife know my husband?" well, curiosity got the better of me, so I sent a message back explaining to her that I had went to Jr. high with him, and accepted his friend request on facebook. That's it. I haven't even seen this guy since maybe 1997.

So, she keeps sending more messages trying to insinuate to Jordan that I was sleeping with her husband. Well, now I'm starting to get pissed off. I'll be the first to admit that I have a checkered past, but if I'm going to be accused of screwing someone, it damn sure better be someone that I did in fact have sex with. Basically, this woman found some photos on her husband's computer, and the only name on them was Brittany, which happens to be my first name. This silly, insecure bitch would not leave it alone until she sent the damn pictures for Jordan to inspect and confirm that whoever the woman in the photos was, in fact, not me.

Seriously, do I come off as that much of a whore that when someone's husband cheats on them, they are going to blame me? I could even understand some residual jealousy if it was someone I had fooled around with during my days of youth and sin, but I haven't seen this guy since the freaking 8th grade, and I know I didn't screw him then.

What sucks is this is not the first time I've been accused of sleeping with someone's significant other. Now, I'm once again not going to deny that I have slept with men who were married, but it was a long time ago, and that time I didn't get caught. And I damn sure haven't slept with another married person since I've been married to Jordan. And if I felt the need to cheat on my husband, it definitely wouldn't be with this dude.

I really don't even know what to say other than seriously, what the fuck?!?!

I thank the Lord there's people out there like you...

Well, today was once again busy, but very exciting around my house...

I will never be able to be thankful enough that I have been able to stay at home with my babies. Having this time with them while they are so small is such an unparalleled blessing that I don;t know how to describe it.

I didn't get as much cleaning done today as I had wanted, but that is OK. I am starting to not let it bother me. It was especially helpful when my mother in law stopped by unexpectedly and I was hugely embarrassed over the state of the house when she told me, "Your house doesn't look filthy. It just looks like there are children here." Coming from someone whose home looks like it should be in Southern Living, it helped me to relax a bit. I still want it better, and may shortly break into an all night cleaning session, but I am not going to let it stress me out.

We had a slow morning, and actually slept late! I don't know if you can really call it sleeping in when I am still waking every coupe of hours to nurse a newborn, but you get the point anyway. After breakfast, I played with Sadie while tending to Emmaline in between until lunch and then nap time. After nap, another snack for Sadie and who knows how many infant feedings, we trekked to the store to pick up some ground beef in anticipation of making tacos for dinner.

The trip was uneventful, but definitely needed to relieve some boredom and stir craziness from all of us. We also picked up a card for my step-brother Benjamin, who turned 19 today. We came back home to total chaos! It took forever to get Emmaline to a point where she was not screaming. I then made dinner and sot the bathtub ready for Sadie.

The last few weeks, Sadie has decided that she has to sit on the potty before she gets in the tub. I have been letting her so as not to discourage her interest, but at the same time knowing that she probably doesn't get it quite yet. So, I get her clothes off and she is sitting on the potty like she usually does. I turned around to get a clean towel out of the cabinet and when I turned my eyes back to Sadie, SHE HAD PEED IN THE POTTY!! Now, this could be pure coincidence, but regardless, I praised her unendingly, and am determined to foster this. From now on, anytime I go to the bathroom during the day, I am going to take her with me to see what happens. I will buy some panties and let her know that when she tells me she has to potty, she can wear the big girl panties! I don't believe in using pull-ups, so hopefully urging her toward the panties will do the trick! I never thought I would be so excited about something so silly, but I am. Now, I am by no means thinking that this means she is potty trained, but it is a really huge step in the right direction... She shows interest, and now, having gone in the potty once, she will begin to understand what it is for.

This is great news especially for the pocketbook. Since I had made the decision to use diapers that were chlorine free and made from natural fibers, I have spent about twice what the average person spends to diaper their kid. Now that I have two, the expense has doubled. Some people consider it to be silly or unnecessary, but it is a decision I made when my oldest daughter was just a newborn. First off, they were the only diapers that sis not give her a rash. Second, when I began learning about all of the additional benefits of these diapers, I could not, in good conscience, put another Pamper on my child, ever. And I have stuck to this. I am perfectly willing to budget around this. But I think every parent is excited when they no longer have to buy diapers!

Don't think I don't think about it...

Well, today was interesting to say the least. We didn't go anywhere at al, but being here at home was busy enough!

My house has moved beyond disarray into a certifiable disaster area. I am going to clean up all of the toys before I go to sleep, but tomorrow will be my cleaning day no matter what!

Emmaline spent the last half of the day and evening disgruntled. About what, I don't know. She didn't send me a tweet to let me know...LOL! Sadie was having a great day and we were having loads of fun together when out of nowhere she began screaming. I went to change her diaper, and she had a pretty yucky one that caused her a red and sore bottom. I got her "all clean," as she likes to say and medicated and back to the living room full of toys, when no less that ten minutes later, she somehow bit her lip! I'm sure it was just from the fact that she isn't very used to having teeth, but nonetheless, the screaming began again.

I finally got the baby calm enough to get Sadie in the tub, and as soon as I had wrestled her into jammies, more screaming, this time from the other one. So we all went into the living room. I had Sadie occupied with some toys and a sippy cup of milk and I sat down on the couch and nursed Emmaline. Poor Sadie was so tired that she crawled up onto the couch next to us, and I got to snuggle with both of my blessings! I get to hug and kiss babies all day, but it's not the same as kissing my husband... I still miss him and worry about him everyday! I worry about everything. I even worry that as much as I want him to be here with us, it will be completely different when he does get back. I don't know, now I am just rambling which is probably a sign that I should call it a night...

Should be sleeping...

That is the story of my life. I just feel like the only time I have a chance to do anything for myself is when my kids are asleep.

The last few weeks have been a bit hectic and rough at times, but we are managing. Jordan left here on the 3rd, and left port for his underway deployment on the 13th. They are hitting several ports on their way, so hopefully he won't get too stir crazy or depressed along his journey.

As for things around here, it's going OK. I am getting settled in to a routine with two kids instead of one. My house continually stays messy, and I can't go to the grocery store without getting a sitter for at least one of the girls, but I am alright with it. I just miss my husband. And I know that Sadie misses her Daddy.

Regardless, I just want to do my best as a mom to my girls and not let things get to me or become frustrated. These beautiful little creatures are the unexpected blessings of my life, and I know that they are watching my every move and hearing my every word.